Diesel: The Dog Who Continues My Independence

A year ago today, I flew home with Diesel, my new and very energetic second guide dog. At that time Diesel and I were still trying to figure each other out. One thing I knew for certain was that life with Diesel was not going to be dull. And I have been right about that.

Diesel was only eighteen months when I received him from Pilot Dogs. When he was first given to me, he was very difficult to handle. He did not know who I was and as a result acted like a wild animal. Thankfully, a lot of his out of control behavior diminished some after a few days of being together.

Once we got home last summer, we immediately had to begin working on my college campus. A new dog and a difficult path to a class meant that I had a difficult and interesting few weeks.

The biggest challenge however, was not the new school year, but adjusting to Diesel. He is so different than my first guide dog. Bristol was so calm. Diesel has a lot more energy and has a tendency to get over-excited. But with time, some of that over exuberant behavior has calmed down.

A year later I am beginning to enjoy working with him. The bond was slow to come this time. I know that part of that stems from losing Bristol so suddenly. I didn’t have time to grieve before I had to begin training with Diesel. My heart was not in it at first.

In fact, I questioned last summer whether I was ready for another dog. But I knew that without a dog, my life would be more difficult. A guide dog gives me so much more freedom than a cane does. My friend Jill has helped me to understand that I have to think of the positive aspects. Yes, I will inevitably have to go through another devastating loss. I hope that that is years from now. The reward of having a guide dog is stronger than the painful loss though. I know that throughout my life, I will have many dogs to keep my life interesting and fun.

So how has Diesel changed in the last year? As I’ve already said, he is calmer. When I first came home with him, I couldn’t touch him without him going crazy with excitement. Today I am able to sit down beside him and pet him without being jumped on. He has also become more loving. At first his excitement level prevented much affection between us. Now I can reach down and hug him.

One thing that has not changed, and I’m glad it hasn’t, is his fun personality. Ever heard of the class clown? That is Diesel wherever he goes!

The last year with Diesel has certainly been a fun one. We both have changed in so many ways. I hope to have many more anniversaries with Diesel on August twelfth.

Life After Bristol

This time a year ago, I was in Columbus, Ohio receiving my second guide dog. I was still reeling from the sudden death of Bristol from cancer. But as I quickly had to realize, life had to go on.

Even in the midst of grief, I was happy to have a new guide dog. Last summer, I wasn’t even sure if I would have a dog in time to start school again. I had a lot of feelings of hopelessness last summer as I waited for news about a new dog. My friend Jill insisted that I would know that I had a dog by her birthday which is on August twelfth. She was more than right.

I not only had a dog by her birthday, but I was flying home with him to begin our lives together. My guide dog’s name is Diesel. He is an energetic black Labrador Retriever. Life with Diesel is certainly been interesting so far.

It has been a year since I last posted to my blog. A lot has happened since then. I will be sharing with you all that has happened since the loss of Bristol. I still miss him. The pain is still very much at the surface, but I also have a lot of things that bring me happiness.

In his final days, Bristol gave me a gift. It was through his illness that I gained an incredible friend. Jill and I knew each other before his cancer diagnosis, but it was as I struggled to cope with the diagnosis and the inevitable loss of Bristol that Jill became more than a friend to me. Jill was with me through all of last summer and is still one of my closest friends. She is more than a friend to me. She is like a second mother to me. I have a connection with Jill that I do not have with anyone else. She will be mentioned frequently as I recount all of the events that have occurred in the last year.

The loss of Bristol

On July sixteenth, 2011, I had to say goodbye to my beloved guide dog and faithful companion Bristol. After his cancer diagnosis in early June, his health rapidly declined. His vet had told us that the cancer was aggressive and he was in the advanced stages of the cancer. His nose bleeds kept getting worse and more frequent. We had to make the difficult decision to let him go on July fifteenth when we could not get the bleeding to stop. The next morning I had to hug my best friend for the last time as I told him goodbye and that I loved him.

We were not sure how much time we had left with him. I enjoyed every moment I had with him during his last month of life. He was well enough at first to visit his many friends. In five years, Bristol made many friends. He will be dearly missed by all of them.

Even at the end of his life, he continued to do what he did best. That is he touched everyone that he came in contact with. For instance, he made a new friend when my mother and I started going to a gym. One of the staff members got to know and love Bristol. He almost instantly won Jenny’s heart. Everytime he walked into the gym, his tail would start wagging and he would drag me over to see her. In a way, she kept him going in his last few weeks of life. Going to visit her was one of the highlights of his day! Thank you Jenny for being a part of his final weeks and making his last weeks fun!

As much as I miss Bristol, it is time for me to move on to my new adventure with a new guide dog. I leave this Sunday to meet my new guide dog.

I will always love Bristol. He will always hold a special place in my heart. He was my first guide dog. Bristol showed me that I can have a full and active life even though I can’t see. I will always be grateful to him for the gift of independence that he gave me.

Bristol: 12/29/03 to 7/16/11

Sad News About Bristol

I have known for quite some time now that Bristol would soon be retiring. However, I wish it did not have to happen the way it did. Bristol is now in a medical retirement.

A few weeks ago, Bristol got a nose bleed. Neither my parents nor I could figure out what caused it. I took him to the vet and on his x-rays, there appeared to be what looked like a small metallic object in his nasal cavities. The vet scoped his nasal cavities and on a second x-ray, there was nothing there.

I wish I could say that this is the end of the story, but sadly it is not. The vet sent off tissues taken from the scoping to be tested to be sure that nothing else was going on. A week later, I got some devastating news. Bristol has cancer.

He has spindle Cell sarcoma which is a connective tissue cancer. He also has osteo sarcoma which is a bone cancer. At this stage in the cancer, there is not much we can do. Radiation is an option, but it would not cure him.

So I have made the decision to allow Bristol to live out the remainder of his life as comfortable as possible. He is now living with my parents.

Even though it is not the retirement for Bristol that any of us wanted, we are trying to enjoy him. I am taking him to have fun with all of his many friends to have fun. Everyone who knows him is having fun spoiling him.

We are taking it day by day with Bristol. We do not know how long he has left. The vet said it could be tomorrow or it could be a year. It really depends on how he is doing. For now, he is still doing okay. We have to keep him cool and calm to prevent nose bleeds. We have medication that we can give him to help with the nose bleeds.

I am trying to cope with his cancer diagnosis and with not having a new guide dog. I am back to using the cane which is a constant struggle for me. I feel as though I have lost most of my independence. I am not sure when I will get a new dog. I am hoping to have a new dog by the beginning of my fall semester. If I don’t, I’m not sure what is going to happen.

Waiting For a New Guide Dog

I have been on summer break for a few weeks now. Unfortunately what I thought was going to happen at the beginning of my summer is not happening. I was hoping to be training with my new guide dog during the month of June.

However, this is not going to happen; at least not yet. Southeastern Guide dog is still trying to find a good match for me.

I am hoping to be matched with a dog in time to be in the July training class. If it does not happen then, a home placement will probably have to be how it is done. I would rather go down to the school to get the training with the new dog, but I will do what I have to do.

Now I am doing the hard part of waiting. My patience is truly being tested. Bristol is not making this any easier by the way he is behaving. He does not want to work anymore. All he wants to do is play and socialize with anyone he comes in contact with. More and more often, he doesn’t want to work at all. He is not focusing on his job of safely guiding me at all. He get’s distracted by the slightest thing, whether it is another animal, person, or anything else that catches his attention. That is a dangerous behavior. If he and I aren’t careful, we could both get seriously hurt. When walking with him, I can’t rely on him like I use to be able too. The stress of that is not good for either myself or Bristol and needs to come to an end soon.

The dog who Changed It All

I have known since I was a young child that I wanted to one day get a guide dog. At that young age, I still could not truly grasp what a guide dog could do for me, but I knew that it would immensely help me move independently. After I graduated from high school in 2005, I started preparing for the time when I could finally get my first guide dog. After nearly a year of preparation and waiting, the big day finally arrived.

On April 17, 2006, I began the incredible journey of getting my guide dog Bristol. This was a huge step for me in many ways. On that day, five years ago, my mother and grandmother had to leave me eight hours away at Southeastern Guide dog. I was terrified to have my family leave me, but I knew it was something I had to do.

My fear was quickly replaced by joy when I met my new dog. I still remember that moment so vividly. The trainers brought Bristol into my room and the next thing I knew, I had a seventy pound dog in my lap. And that is when the fun began!

Bristol and I have had our ups and downs over the last five years. Walking with him the first time was both invigorating and terrifying at the same time. I had to surrender my life to this dog with whom I barely knew, much less trusted. Learning to trust Bristol has been one of my biggest challenges. Both Bristol and I have had to learn to put our trust in each other. It took time, but I finally came to the point of being able to trust him and allowing him to guide me. Those first few weeks was spent in intense training. Bristol and I were put into many different situations that we might face together during our time as a guide dog team. The trainers taught me how to respond and work with Bristol in these various life situations.

Thinking back over the last five years is something I have been doing a lot lately. With his upcoming retirement at the end of this month, I can’t help but think back on all that we have gone through together. Bristol has taken me to college, on road trips, and much more. Bristol has even saved my life on a few occasions while crossing streets. He has been my constant companion since that first day. He has been with me through the good times and the bad times. He has been with me during my greatest triumphs and when I have been at my lowest point. He has stayed by my side during the laughter and the tears; through the times when I felt so weak both physically and emotionally that I could barely get up to do anything. He has been with me when I have felt like no one else understood me and I felt so alone and confused.

Bristol has shown me so much over the last five years. Before I got him, I did not truly understand what walking independently meant. Up until then I had to rely on other people to help me. With Bristol’s assistance, I have been able to navigate the last five years with less support from other people. This newfound independence has been one of the greatest things to happen in my life.

Although I am deeply saddened by his upcoming retirement, I know that it is what is best for both of us. Bristol has been the best first time guide dog that I could ever ask for. Bristol has been telling me in his own way over the last year that it is time to let him go. It is time to retire him and let him spend the remainder of his life with my parents. He may struggle with his retirement at first, but I know in time he will adapt to being with my parents instead of me. I too will have an adjustment. I have got to go through the grief of surrendering him to my parents and then starting a new adventure with a new and younger guide dog. I have so many mixed emotions at this point. I’m looking forward to working with the new dog, but I’m also dreading leaving Bristol. Even though I know deep down that I’m making the right decision, I still have to sometimes wonder if I’m doing the right thing. I’ve had to deal with a lot of guilt over the last months about retiring him, but I am getting past it. I am now trying to enjoy the last few weeks we have together as a guide dog team.

Life Story Part Three

When I left off at the end of the last post, I had just finished the fifth grade. At that time, I was in a deep depression. I will now continue with what happened throughout the rest of my schooling up until my graduation from high school.

Over the summer between my fifth and sixth grade years, I started pulling my life back together. I wish I could say that my troubles with school ended here, but that did not happen. I would have to continue to fight to receive my education all the way until I graduated from high school.

During my middle school years, I spent a lot of time catching up academically. My math skills were very limited because no one had taken the time to teach me basic math skills. I was quite advanced in other academic areas. I was reading at a twelfth grade level by the time I was in the seventh grade. That was a shock to me because I was told that I was stupid and unteachable.

As I was trying to improve academically, I was also emerging from the depression that I was in. There is a lot about this time in my life that I don’t remember well. I do remember immersing myself in my schoolwork. I was determined to prove all of the people who had given up on me that I could make it. As a result of this, I was a very good student.

I carried this determination into my high school years. Most of my high school memories are not good ones. I was mistreated by my fellow students and once again, I was not given the opportunity to prove that I could make it academically.

For much of my middle school years and the first two years of high school, I was placed in special education classes. In middle school, I could understand why that was done. My emotional instability alone was enough to cause me to be in special education classes. Add in the academic challenges I had and I probably wouldn’t have made it in a regular classroom.  However, this did not make sense once I got to high school. I still remember being so bored in the special education classes. I was not challenged at all in the classes and grew bored quickly. I asked to be put into regular classes and was met with resistance from the people in charge of the special education department. They did not think I could handle the work in a regular classroom.

This time I did not accept that answer. With the help of my mother and one teacher in the special education department who saw my potential, I won that battle. My junior and senior years were my best academically. I was finally in regular classes full time. Unfortunately it was still not easy for me. I wanted to graduate with a standard diploma. I could not do that because I could not complete all of the course work in a two year time period. I wanted to do extra course work so that I could finish all of the required courses, but I was not allowed to do that by the administration. The school wanted me to go another year, but I refused to do that. By the time I got into my senior year, I just wanted out. By then, I did not care. I was so frustrated with all of the people who were against me.

Even though much of my high school years was a struggle, there were a few good parts. My best memory is of being in the choir. My last two years were the best. I had actually given up on music after my sophomore year because of the current choir director. I felt like I was wasting my time. I wanted to quit, but my mom convinced me to try one more year. I am so glad I did. A new choir director started working at my high school at this time in my life. With her encouragement, I regained my love for music. I felt like she was one of a few people who gave me a chance to prove that I could do something. Jamie, the choir director, helped give me back the confidence that I had lost in myself. I will be forever grateful to Jamie for what she did for me during those two years. During my last year of high school, that was all I cared about. Nothing else seemed important to me. I new by then that I would be graduating with a special education diploma. I continued to do well in all of my other classes, but there was no enjoyment in them.

 At the end of my senior year, I did not know what I wanted to do with my life. While everyone around me was preparing for college, I was left lost and confused as to what to do next. I ended up taking two years off between high school and college. However, these two years were not a total waste. In the next post I will share with you what I did during those two years.